Flushing bright red in embarrassment, Smoker bit hard on the cigars and stood up. "No you're not," he acknowledged in quiet fury, more with himself. "You're 21, extremely capable of your own decisions and I do trust you Ensign and only meant to treat you with respect. I never called you my daughter nor meant to treat you as such." It was really too much at this point. "Forgive my attitude," another jaw twitch as he scowled tighter over the cigars, "I shall attempt to not give a damn and worry about the women in my life." He was fully red now, speaking to them both and done with this idiotic situation. Why had he even agreed? If she was going to get so upset over things being tense then why put herself into them?
"I'm going for a breath of fresh air. Don't follow." He tossed Tashigi the lighter and finally stormed out, not even bothering to finish his rum, too furious to speak anymore or pretend he could be civil while he felt like his insides had snapped simply leaving his steel jitte holding him up. He walked away from the restaurant door in case any of them did try to follow and down to what he could only hope was a seedier part of town.
He'd gotten too close to his men but maybe he'd always been that way. For as much as he claimed to loathe pirate loyalties, misplaced, foolish and leading them against their own consciences, against justice, here he was wanting to protect his crew as surely as any pirate crew. Smoker climbed some stairs as there wasn't much else place to go in Water 7 except up. A good captain was supposed to protect his men, pirate or marine. It was just justice. Friendship. Smoker felt stung. He'd considered Tashigi a friend and worried about her. Had he gone too far? Maybe he was supposed to keep his distance from even that. He was an asshole to his friends and knew that much but had always considered her one. Had considered Rinali, Miranda, Allen, Karen, Zenigata friends too.
Robin had suggested once he only stayed in the marines for nakama. That he followed the Straw-Hats because of their own nakamaship wherein Luffy rescued a kingdom over friendship with its princess. Justice. Smoker wanted justice. He'd smothered Karen too much until she wanted to run away, until she didn't love him anymore. He worried about Allen to the point he didn't want to let his old master near him for concern he'd get hurt. Lavi had told him off almost the same way as Tashigi, that Allen wasn't his son and he needed to stop trying to look after him. Leo had done the same regarding Rinali. Smoker's cold fury only strengthened with the climb but at least the wind was blowing on his cheeks and making them feel less hot.
The only place Smoker had even felt home, at peace, himself, wanted, accepted was the marines. His own ship where he was captain of his life and in charge of protecting others. True justice. And for the first time he no longer felt that way. No matter how he ran or fought it, sometimes there was a lot of pirate in him. He couldn't take sitting on an island doing paperwork, needed to be free. He couldn't stand the marines who used the men in their command as slaves. Couldn't stand brass's orders and being told what to do, how to do it and when and where to do it. Dichotomy.
Smoker stopping climbing stairs, any higher and he'd start looking out over the ocean and this city he'd grown to hate so much. Any higher and he'd remember the night after Karen rescued him and Allen in vivid excruciating detail. He leaned against a wall feeling weary. There wasn't a lot else he could fuck up right now and he was miserable. Just like a pirate, somewhere along the line he'd choked a relationship, losing control to his smoke logia, letting it take over his instincts and desires, letting it twist his desire to do good, to be a good captain, a good boyfriend, just to do good and wound up doing something wrong. And worst of all? Try as he might, standing in the darkness alone, refusing to look at the stars because they'd only remind him of her; he had no idea where he'd gone wrong and he couldn't bring himself to regret any of it. Just like a pirate.
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"I'm going for a breath of fresh air. Don't follow." He tossed Tashigi the lighter and finally stormed out, not even bothering to finish his rum, too furious to speak anymore or pretend he could be civil while he felt like his insides had snapped simply leaving his steel jitte holding him up. He walked away from the restaurant door in case any of them did try to follow and down to what he could only hope was a seedier part of town.
He'd gotten too close to his men but maybe he'd always been that way. For as much as he claimed to loathe pirate loyalties, misplaced, foolish and leading them against their own consciences, against justice, here he was wanting to protect his crew as surely as any pirate crew. Smoker climbed some stairs as there wasn't much else place to go in Water 7 except up. A good captain was supposed to protect his men, pirate or marine. It was just justice. Friendship. Smoker felt stung. He'd considered Tashigi a friend and worried about her. Had he gone too far? Maybe he was supposed to keep his distance from even that. He was an asshole to his friends and knew that much but had always considered her one. Had considered Rinali, Miranda, Allen, Karen, Zenigata friends too.
Robin had suggested once he only stayed in the marines for nakama. That he followed the Straw-Hats because of their own nakamaship wherein Luffy rescued a kingdom over friendship with its princess. Justice. Smoker wanted justice. He'd smothered Karen too much until she wanted to run away, until she didn't love him anymore. He worried about Allen to the point he didn't want to let his old master near him for concern he'd get hurt. Lavi had told him off almost the same way as Tashigi, that Allen wasn't his son and he needed to stop trying to look after him. Leo had done the same regarding Rinali. Smoker's cold fury only strengthened with the climb but at least the wind was blowing on his cheeks and making them feel less hot.
The only place Smoker had even felt home, at peace, himself, wanted, accepted was the marines. His own ship where he was captain of his life and in charge of protecting others. True justice. And for the first time he no longer felt that way. No matter how he ran or fought it, sometimes there was a lot of pirate in him. He couldn't take sitting on an island doing paperwork, needed to be free. He couldn't stand the marines who used the men in their command as slaves. Couldn't stand brass's orders and being told what to do, how to do it and when and where to do it. Dichotomy.
Smoker stopping climbing stairs, any higher and he'd start looking out over the ocean and this city he'd grown to hate so much. Any higher and he'd remember the night after Karen rescued him and Allen in vivid excruciating detail. He leaned against a wall feeling weary. There wasn't a lot else he could fuck up right now and he was miserable. Just like a pirate, somewhere along the line he'd choked a relationship, losing control to his smoke logia, letting it take over his instincts and desires, letting it twist his desire to do good, to be a good captain, a good boyfriend, just to do good and wound up doing something wrong. And worst of all? Try as he might, standing in the darkness alone, refusing to look at the stars because they'd only remind him of her; he had no idea where he'd gone wrong and he couldn't bring himself to regret any of it. Just like a pirate.