It's not really like that. My place doesn't exist anymore. So I gotta find a new place, with everyone. But figuring out how that works out is easier said than done. I just need to live, and see where that puts me. [There's nothing bitter about it, and he's not angry in his voice or in his heart. It's just a fact, the world changed so much and so fast between his death and this place.] You really mean that? You consider me your equal? Damn... [He's quiet and unsure of what to say, especially when that glance happens and the reminder of the open window policy is stated.] Almost there, just give me a minute.
[Ace takes the rest of the short trip to try to get his brain together and out of whatever mushy status effect has been hitting him. It's only mildly successful.] Hey!
Not that drunk. [He peers out from the coat, and settles on wearing it. He's not gonna get it back that quickly, sorry, it's cozy and it smells like Smoker. Which honestly, wouldn't be most people's cup of tea, but to Ace it's pleasant somehow.]
[Mentally Smoker is already dead of cute. He won't ask for it back, just shake Ace out of it when he's demanding.]
[Smoker gets up and goes back to jitte katas, though as the dogs return the balls, he gives some to Ace to throw for awhile.]
Drunk enough, Portgas. But it's fine. I've seen you worse. [Flicks his eyes up in thought.] Pretty sure you've seen me worse. This you, I mean, even. [Snorts, still going through jitte forms.] Not just things you won't remember.
[Ace happily accepts the balls, and tosses for the dogs, absolutely enjoying how relaxed he feels and how safe he feels too. This is so normal, domestic nearly, something gentle and tame and worlds away from Marines and piracy and death. This world is surreal to him, something that makes his mind hurt sometimes. And he's not sure if this is really real at this point.
But he kind of likes it. Maybe more than kind of likes it.] Yeah, we're both talented at getting shitfaced. But this? This is just a nice kind of drunk. It feels good and takes the edge off.
I have other talents besides getting drunk, I hope you realize. I'd hate that to be the reason you think you would ever spend time with me.
[But he's joking, since he's not the drunk one right now, and Ace is still choosing to spend time with him, and also at the festival, even if he emphasized the drinks, Smoker suspects that's more to try to sell Smoker and let him hide behind manly bonding. Or any kind of social thing usually requires Smoker to drink, tbfh.]
Yeah, do tell? [Ace tilts his head while he tosses another ball, wincing for a moment when one of the dogs nearly runs into a tree to get it. But they right themselves, crisis averted, and he laughs as another nearly rolls to get the next. They really take this ball throwing business seriously.] I don't need to be drunk to be with you. Or have you drunk. I just needed it to ask you out. [Don't mind him shrugging, he's got limited shame after more than one bottle of rum. Or in general.]
[7 months ago, Smoker would have just said fuck it and bluntly said exactly what he meant.]
[5 months ago he DID do that, and showed someone since words weren't enough.]
[He wants a drink, but that would definitely make this worse given how it loosened his tensions enough to call Augustine in the past.]
[Fuck, he hates himself.]
[Aaaaargh.]
[All right, a joke. Deflect. Make it easy.]
I'm good at bikes. [DRYLY. Because if Ace didn't know by now that Smoker worked on motorcycles whenever he wasn't talking justice, reading, or doing shit with the dogs...]
[But then Smoker snorts... and laughs a short bark again.]
Not that you ever gave a fuck about that. My last girlfriend, that's how I met her.
[Huff.]
[Beating the shit out of things.]
[Certain things that shouldn't be said in public.]
[A LOT OF THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE SAID IN PUBLIC!!!]
[Such red ears.]
I didn't expect Rip to -- [Scratches an ear like a dog!] I just meant -- she spends downtime with me too. She said once she understood finally what Augustine saw in me.
Did she tell you anything about him?
[Catches one of the balls Ace throws before the dog can, and with a smirk, brings it over to Portgas with an expectant "THROW IT AGAIN!!!!" face. Literally one of them.]
She just mentioned him. Why? [Oh god, Smoker, you're another dog in the pack, and Ace is grinning widely at this. He tosses the ball, with a snort of a laugh, and watches.] You gonna fetch it this time? I thought I was the one that had to be the good boy.
Too bad. [Ace is full of warmth and mischief right now, enjoying the hell out of himself and teasing Smoker is one of his favorite pastimes. As of lately anyway. He snuggles into the coat a little more, and cocks his head towards Smoker so he can try to pay attention to him and the actual dogs at the same time.] Yeah? Well, I bet I could get you to unwind in way less than a year. Or maybe just wind you up more. [Ace squeaks as one of the dogs brings a ball back a little too fast, and he nearly gets a lap full of very large canine.] Okay, okay! [Pettings again, and he tosses once more.]
Yeah, but that's just cheating. You already did once. Fuck if it wasn't for you, I don't think I would have slept with Augustine at all. [Carefully gauges Ace's reaction.] It's different here. For me. As a marine, commitment's all but impossible. My brother, Daddy, eventually chose his daughter over the marines, because that's how it goes. All but impossible to have both. Until Adela I wasn't sure, no, I would have said, I could only ever choose the marines.
But that's former Portgas stuff. I wanted to give you something easier. Just you.
[Rubs the back of his neck.] Although, it's kind of fucked up, now that I think of it, so just go easy on me and remember the intent, all right?
Before you died, the reason you turned back to fight Akainu, was to tell the whole world that Whitebeard was the best, because he took in useless punks and the rejects of the world with no place else to go.
That's why I joined the marines. Not to murder without trial, and not even solely for justice. It gave me a chance to be something other than a useless worthless punk, that no one gave a damn about but a dog -- first dog I ever had, actually. A white little tiny one named Chaser when I was a kid. Useless assholes used to think it was funny to best up until I beat them up too. Hm... never told any other version of you that either. [Shrug. And catches one of the balls again to show off devil fruit control, quietly returning it to Portgas' lap.] Point is...
Your death never sat right with me. None of it.
I didn't do it as a tribute to you... I kind of tried to do it to spite you, in all honesty. It's hard to best a dead man, right?
[Snorts... because, well.... Roger.]
So I specifically asked for G5. Not just to be closest to picking up Straw Hat, but so I could do what Whitebeard did for you.
[Rubs the back of his neck again.]
Anyway.
That's... you all over. No matter what version, or what you remember or not. It wasn't your death that changed the era. It was your life. And not in a bad way.
I still wish I hated you more. But that's just me being weak.
Even though you're like half my age now... you taught me more about living than anyone else ever did....
[Another snort and shakes his head.] Completely unforgivable. When I figure out what to do about it to you, you should get terrified. Payback.
Edited (typoes and icons ayyyy) 2019-04-15 03:07 (UTC)
[Ace wasn't going to ask about anything just yet, he was having too much fun with the dogs, but the moment that Smoker was serious about something his attention was pulled right to him. And Smoker all but owns his attention, word by word.] You're something else, you know that? You always make me think. [And he noticed that, the show of control, and he just holds the ball for a moment, rotating it in his hands before tossing it again.] I wanted my life to be free. I wanted to be free. And Pops? He made it feel like it was okay for me to have been born, even for a little bit. We were all his sons, children of the sea, and back there under his flag I didn't feel like I wasn't supposed to exist. And maybe, it's okay that I died, if I made people think too. If I shook shit up enough that change might actually happen someday.
[Then there's a cocky smile to make up for how shaken up he is.] Payback? Is that a promise? [Then he blinks.] How old are you now?
[Sorry, Smoker, you got close enough to snuggle. And Ace is drunk and shameless.] It's not a big deal. At least I'm not jailbait to go with it. [He's pretty sure that his genetic father and his mother had a substantial age difference too.]
Portgas, you're jailbait by existing. [He doesn't mind the snuggles, although the CUTE IN HIS JACKET is going to kill him, and he gently knuckles Ace's cheeks somewhat affectionately, even if he'll deny it.]
If you were 70, you'd still be jailbait for me. A temptation worth getting murdered over.
And here I was thinking that I was cursed just by existing. This is a hell of a lot more fun. [Cute in his jacket, shirtless still, and absolutely taking in any attention Smoker is willing to give him.]
[This time he's fighting instincts in the reverse way.]
[HIS INSTINCT IS TO NIBBLE PORTGAS' EAR.]
[Annnnnnnd....]
[He has a long list of reasons he's not. Maybe he DID like still can't even THINK the other L-word Faye more than he thought????]
[Fuck.]
[Smoker needs to do SOMETHING though.]
[1) Back to jitte 2) Use a dog as a shield 3) Put Portgas in lap? NO NO NO THIS IS BAD. REJECTED!!! 4) Punch him. -- Also no. He's too cute. Smoker has no heart for it. NONE. Zero. 5) Kiss fuck kill throw in a tree WHY IS HIS MIND GETTING WORSE? IT'S ALL WORSE. AHHH NO.]
[He takes a deep breath.]
[Steals a ball.]
[Throws it to buy time to think and chew HARD on cigars.]
[Words words words words.]
You'd like G5. Every single damn one of them is like you. Even the one that IS 70.
They're all pyros and constantly threatening to set pirates on fire. Drives Tashigi up a wall. Except you were always polite with Tashigi while you were both here. That drove me mad. Because I couldn't hate it.
[Snorts.]
[Steals another ball to throw again. NOT LOOKING AT THE CUTE. WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE CUTE. JUST MIGHT AS WELL BE TALKING OUT LOUD TO HIMSELF.]
They also came up with stupid nicknames for me often. And they had bigger hearts than they thought. Easily hurt, but they kept on trying. And they flirted a lot.
[CHEWS ON THE CIGARS. GRRR.] And were self-sacrificing dumbasses that made sure to throw Tashigi through the door even though it meant they'd be paralyzed and basically dead -- if Trafalgar and your brother's reindeer doctor hadn't cured them.
I'm not someone who goes out of my way to be rude to ladies. But... [He leans his head against Smoker's shoulder, listening to him talk on to not have to deal with feelings.] It sounds like I would have liked them. [He'll probably never know now. He's here, and there's no way for him to ever return. Back home, there's only a grave and a memory. And that's not the only thing on his mind, Smoker is having his mind crank again and he's drunk enough to actually be direct.]
You know, if you say no, and really mean it, I'll stop.
[Though a quick analysis reminds him that it was a good way of shutting Portgas up.]
[OR SMOKER HIMSELF.]
Do what you want, Portgas.
[SLOW SMIRK. It's kind of funny. Having Portgas wanting to be pursued for a change. The first Portgas just melted down Smoker's walls while Smoker wasn't able to rebuild them quickly enough.]
[Smoker WOULD normally lean his arm on Portgas' head to be an asshole, but he can't with Ace's head on his shoulder.]
[So he winds up gently floofing black hair instead, letting it gently fall through the fingers of his other hand.]
Namur pointed out, if I really had a problem with this, I could very easily keep you at a distance. And it's true.
[Snorts.]
[Eyes closed.]
But I wouldn't have said any of this to you if I didn't --
[Like, trust, want to be with, TOLERATE, want alive...]
[It's a mixed bag of things.]
[Not love. Namur's insane.]
[Enjoy????]
Want to. [NOD! It's true.]
Hina's another friend in the marines keeping me from getting killed by Akainu. Or getting exiled ages ago. She always says I always get my own way.
And I do.
Remember that.
[He lays back in the grass, both hands behind his head, thinking.]
[He didn't mean to make Ace think more.]
[Bad habit. Smoker thinks too much about everything. Hell, he half thought... that might be what Portgas (the first time) saw in him. Or maybe it's the equals thing. Or trust. Or just that Portgas needs to be loved even by someone who absolutely shouldn't ever-- argh that's just a setup for pain and part of that "just to torture himself" thing all over again, isn't it?]
The only times I ever stopped... thinking about everything...
[Was when? Running on instinct? But even then, his brain always caught up with him at some point.]
[Having fun.]
[He vaguely remembers REALLY early back when. BEFORE Portgas. When people asked him what he did for fun or the like.]
[It's annoying.]
[He could be playful...ish... before. On the Grand Line. But it wasn't for fun. Right? Yeah. It was to be... himself? An asshole? Keep people on their toes?]
[Eh.]
Namur said he fights his instincts for people he cares about. Does things for 'em, he wouldn't normally because it goes so hard against his instincts. And that being around them makes him feel more like himself.
There's only a few times where I'm truly comfortable in my own skin. It's something I like about smoke. It's an irritating element, not like sand which is too fucking malleable, and grainy, and disgusting. But you can't really breathe pure smoke. And it bothers a lot of people. Most, hell maybe all of them. [Lightly kicks Ace!] Except you, still think you're a secret masochist though.
[Snorts and moves a hand to his cigars.] But that's... me bothering everyone else. I didn't even have to respond to you. Sometimes when a Portgas got here, I didn't. I didn't want to deal with it.
If I decided to push you out... I already would have.
It's not that I can't have a life outside of you. Or even that you really forced me to stop being me. You made me want to live more. Even just the dumbass you that's dead, before either of us showed up here, got it? [RUFFLES ACE'S HAIR AGAIN.] You're a pain in the ass, so start taking some responsibility for it, you little shit. That doesn't mean, apologize and try to let everyone live without you. It means, we're already too fucking used to wanting you around. It's a god damn pain in the ass. And your nakama are too nice to ever say so. They'll want to give you space and shit. Let you do you.
But I'm the asshole that always gets my way. Even your little brother can't get his way with me. He wanted to fight Caesar for experimenting on kids he kidnapped from G5's territory. I agreed to fight Vergo only because he was pretending to be a marine, and that's a betrayal I couldn't let go. Sound familiar brat? [Lightly flicks Ace!] Like I said. Equals, you and me. [Snort.] The whole time we were hunting them, your brother never shut up about how I was running too fast for him to keep up because he's like half my height. [EXAGGERATING.] Wasting breath he needed for running.
If I didn't want you here Portgas, I wouldn't be here myself. It's just that simple. Stop thinking so much and do what you want.
[But Smoker's still kind of smug. He knows Portgas wants to be pursued. AND KNOWING THAT: he's going to take some damn time just to be a fucking asshole.]
[Though probably not too long because the last thing Smoker needs is an actual murder on his rap. And he's serious about the snapping thing.]
You're really giving me a lot of permission right there. [Ace has already figured out that Smoker talks himself in circles when he's struggling with something, and the words are important always, but they're still there to pad things and buy time as much as to get his point across. And while he's still sitting up, he turns towards Smoker, looking down at him with a hard to read expression. And Ace is weighing his options and making his choices quickly now.] You're telling me seriously to just do what I want? Because I'm not someone who plays around, and I've been holding back.
[The first time Smoker held back so much just because pirate. And he didn't know what he wanted. And he couldn't really think in terms of what he wanted beyond "Arrest pirates." And for what it was worth... family, adopting kids, "love" even as = agony according to Namur for Smoker (maybe especially because!!!!), sex, dating, ALL OF IT was things Smoker very much would have said he DID NOT WANT.]
[This time he's holding back, because memories. Portgas to adjust. Smoker to stop flinching at tiny things that reminded him of Faye. Remembering hot dogs or flowers or conspiring with Gale to make her happy.]
[Smoker opens one eye on Portgas.]
You're not a rebound.
[That's... vastly important. Because Smoker wouldn't disrespect either of them, Faye, Portgas, and even SMOKER HIMSELF like that.]
[His ears flick in thought.]
And I'm not just here, because of stuff you can't remember. I'm here because of stuff you did this time. Listening. Paying attention.
Being you.
Don't forget it.
[Both eyes closed again. When does Smoker stop thinking?]
[When adrenaline overrides everything else.]
[It wears off though.]
[But while it's going...]
[It's hard to curb the memories. Short black hair through his fingers. Scents. Sounds. Fights. Separate pairs of fingers on his ears.]
[A quiet snort, and one eye open again.]
Conceding the window is bigger permission than you think. I only did it the first time, because replacing it is expensive and pointless. [Well... not "only...." He liked having Portgas around. Obviously. Like he said.]
[People get used to wanting Portgas there, and accepting whatever Ace will give them.]
[Except Smoker.]
[Who grins impishly, and before Ace can react to do anything, especially since he already tested Ace's reflexes when the pirate first arrived; pins Portgas down to the ground, holding his shoulders down with one arm in a well practiced wrestling grapple.]
[Being pinned gets a little bit of a sulking expression out of him for a second, he's drunk and really can't fight back well without actually hurting someone. But then there's also something absolutely fun about being pinned down, so it's a mix of yes please and no fair.] So I'm not rebound, this is for me, and you're holding back too? [He really likes being called a brat too, he's not sure why it's so appealing.] You've got me, maybe you should do what you want.
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[Action]
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Yeah... didn't I say that? [Head tilt.]
[And then Portgas is there, annnnd...]
[HE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO REACT? OBVIOUSLY HE NEEDS TO ACKNOWLEDGE ACE... so...]
[PUNCHING HIM IS PROBABLY NOT THE RIGHT WAY.]
[Okay. Fighting instincts. FIGHTING INSTINCTS.]
Yo.
[Nods. Acknowledgement.]
[He's getting twitchy. Portgas is RIGHT THERE!!! He HAS to do SOMETHING!]
[So he grabs him by the beaded necklace to drag him forward and push him down.]
[And snorts, before sitting next to him and throwing his coat on Ace's head.] Fuck, you really are drunk. [Snort.]
[Action]
[Action]
[Smoker gets up and goes back to jitte katas, though as the dogs return the balls, he gives some to Ace to throw for awhile.]
Drunk enough, Portgas. But it's fine. I've seen you worse. [Flicks his eyes up in thought.] Pretty sure you've seen me worse. This you, I mean, even. [Snorts, still going through jitte forms.] Not just things you won't remember.
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But he kind of likes it. Maybe more than kind of likes it.] Yeah, we're both talented at getting shitfaced. But this? This is just a nice kind of drunk. It feels good and takes the edge off.
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Good.
I have other talents besides getting drunk, I hope you realize. I'd hate that to be the reason you think you would ever spend time with me.
[But he's joking, since he's not the drunk one right now, and Ace is still choosing to spend time with him, and also at the festival, even if he emphasized the drinks, Smoker suspects that's more to try to sell Smoker and let him hide behind manly bonding. Or any kind of social thing usually requires Smoker to drink, tbfh.]
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[EARS RED.]
[Grrrrrrr.]
[7 months ago, Smoker would have just said fuck it and bluntly said exactly what he meant.]
[5 months ago he DID do that, and showed someone since words weren't enough.]
[He wants a drink, but that would definitely make this worse given how it loosened his tensions enough to call Augustine in the past.]
[Fuck, he hates himself.]
[Aaaaargh.]
[All right, a joke. Deflect. Make it easy.]
I'm good at bikes. [DRYLY. Because if Ace didn't know by now that Smoker worked on motorcycles whenever he wasn't talking justice, reading, or doing shit with the dogs...]
[But then Smoker snorts... and laughs a short bark again.]
Not that you ever gave a fuck about that. My last girlfriend, that's how I met her.
[Huff.]
[Beating the shit out of things.]
[Certain things that shouldn't be said in public.]
[A LOT OF THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE SAID IN PUBLIC!!!]
[Such red ears.]
I didn't expect Rip to -- [Scratches an ear like a dog!] I just meant -- she spends downtime with me too. She said once she understood finally what Augustine saw in me.
Did she tell you anything about him?
[Catches one of the balls Ace throws before the dog can, and with a smirk, brings it over to Portgas with an expectant "THROW IT AGAIN!!!!" face. Literally one of them.]
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[SMIRKY SMIRK SMIRK though.]
[He's glad. He got a real grin out of Ace, and he got to be playful and god... it has been A VERY long time since Smoker was playful.]
[With Faye. Obviously.]
That's how it was with Augustine.
[Snorts.]
[He's not doing that now though. If he was....]
[Why IS he holding back?]
[Who IS he?]
[Not the same Smoker. For sure. Understandably, but still.]
Okay, that's a lie. I mean not completely, but a little. He must have tried for a year to get me to unwind better. I'm not too good at that usually.
[Eyeroll.]
[YEAH YEAH, get the comments in now.]
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But that's former Portgas stuff. I wanted to give you something easier. Just you.
[Rubs the back of his neck.] Although, it's kind of fucked up, now that I think of it, so just go easy on me and remember the intent, all right?
Before you died, the reason you turned back to fight Akainu, was to tell the whole world that Whitebeard was the best, because he took in useless punks and the rejects of the world with no place else to go.
That's why I joined the marines. Not to murder without trial, and not even solely for justice. It gave me a chance to be something other than a useless worthless punk, that no one gave a damn about but a dog -- first dog I ever had, actually. A white little tiny one named Chaser when I was a kid. Useless assholes used to think it was funny to best up until I beat them up too. Hm... never told any other version of you that either. [Shrug. And catches one of the balls again to show off devil fruit control, quietly returning it to Portgas' lap.] Point is...
Your death never sat right with me. None of it.
I didn't do it as a tribute to you... I kind of tried to do it to spite you, in all honesty. It's hard to best a dead man, right?
[Snorts... because, well.... Roger.]
So I specifically asked for G5. Not just to be closest to picking up Straw Hat, but so I could do what Whitebeard did for you.
[Rubs the back of his neck again.]
Anyway.
That's... you all over. No matter what version, or what you remember or not. It wasn't your death that changed the era. It was your life. And not in a bad way.
I still wish I hated you more. But that's just me being weak.
Even though you're like half my age now... you taught me more about living than anyone else ever did....
[Another snort and shakes his head.] Completely unforgivable. When I figure out what to do about it to you, you should get terrified. Payback.
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[Then there's a cocky smile to make up for how shaken up he is.] Payback? Is that a promise? [Then he blinks.] How old are you now?
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[Ears flick.] 42.
[Winds up grabbing a seat next to Portgas again and nudges shoulders against each other.]
[Holds up fingers.] Two years on the Grand Line, 4 years here.
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If you were 70, you'd still be jailbait for me. A temptation worth getting murdered over.
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And look at us, lucky that no one's gonna say no.
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[ARGH.]
[This time he's fighting instincts in the reverse way.]
[HIS INSTINCT IS TO NIBBLE PORTGAS' EAR.]
[Annnnnnnd....]
[He has a long list of reasons he's not. Maybe he DID like
still can't even THINK the other L-wordFaye more than he thought????][Fuck.]
[Smoker needs to do SOMETHING though.]
[1) Back to jitte
2) Use a dog as a shield
3) Put Portgas in lap? NO NO NO THIS IS BAD. REJECTED!!!
4) Punch him. -- Also no. He's too cute. Smoker has no heart for it. NONE. Zero.
5)
Kiss fuck kill throw in a treeWHY IS HIS MIND GETTING WORSE? IT'S ALL WORSE. AHHH NO.][He takes a deep breath.]
[Steals a ball.]
[Throws it to buy time to think and chew HARD on cigars.]
[Words words words words.]
You'd like G5. Every single damn one of them is like you. Even the one that IS 70.
They're all pyros and constantly threatening to set pirates on fire. Drives Tashigi up a wall. Except you were always polite with Tashigi while you were both here. That drove me mad. Because I couldn't hate it.
[Snorts.]
[Steals another ball to throw again. NOT LOOKING AT THE CUTE. WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE CUTE. JUST MIGHT AS WELL BE TALKING OUT LOUD TO HIMSELF.]
They also came up with stupid nicknames for me often. And they had bigger hearts than they thought. Easily hurt, but they kept on trying. And they flirted a lot.
[CHEWS ON THE CIGARS. GRRR.] And were self-sacrificing dumbasses that made sure to throw Tashigi through the door even though it meant they'd be paralyzed and basically dead -- if Trafalgar and your brother's reindeer doctor hadn't cured them.
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You know, if you say no, and really mean it, I'll stop.
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[Though a quick analysis reminds him that it was a good way of shutting Portgas up.]
[OR SMOKER HIMSELF.]
Do what you want, Portgas.
[SLOW SMIRK. It's kind of funny. Having Portgas wanting to be pursued for a change. The first Portgas just melted down Smoker's walls while Smoker wasn't able to rebuild them quickly enough.]
[Smoker WOULD normally lean his arm on Portgas' head to be an asshole, but he can't with Ace's head on his shoulder.]
[So he winds up gently floofing black hair instead, letting it gently fall through the fingers of his other hand.]
Namur pointed out, if I really had a problem with this, I could very easily keep you at a distance. And it's true.
[Snorts.]
[Eyes closed.]
But I wouldn't have said any of this to you if I didn't --
[Like, trust, want to be with, TOLERATE, want alive...]
[It's a mixed bag of things.]
[Not love. Namur's insane.]
[Enjoy????]
Want to. [NOD! It's true.]
Hina's another friend in the marines keeping me from getting killed by Akainu. Or getting exiled ages ago. She always says I always get my own way.
And I do.
Remember that.
[He lays back in the grass, both hands behind his head, thinking.]
[He didn't mean to make Ace think more.]
[Bad habit. Smoker thinks too much about everything. Hell, he half thought... that might be what Portgas (the first time) saw in him. Or maybe it's the equals thing. Or trust. Or just that Portgas needs to be loved even by someone who absolutely shouldn't ever-- argh that's just a setup for pain and part of that "just to torture himself" thing all over again, isn't it?]
The only times I ever stopped... thinking about everything...
[Was when? Running on instinct? But even then, his brain always caught up with him at some point.]
[Having fun.]
[He vaguely remembers REALLY early back when. BEFORE Portgas. When people asked him what he did for fun or the like.]
[It's annoying.]
[He could be playful...ish... before. On the Grand Line. But it wasn't for fun. Right? Yeah. It was to be... himself? An asshole? Keep people on their toes?]
[Eh.]
Namur said he fights his instincts for people he cares about. Does things for 'em, he wouldn't normally because it goes so hard against his instincts. And that being around them makes him feel more like himself.
There's only a few times where I'm truly comfortable in my own skin. It's something I like about smoke. It's an irritating element, not like sand which is too fucking malleable, and grainy, and disgusting. But you can't really breathe pure smoke. And it bothers a lot of people. Most, hell maybe all of them. [Lightly kicks Ace!] Except you, still think you're a secret masochist though.
[Snorts and moves a hand to his cigars.] But that's... me bothering everyone else. I didn't even have to respond to you. Sometimes when a Portgas got here, I didn't. I didn't want to deal with it.
If I decided to push you out... I already would have.
It's not that I can't have a life outside of you. Or even that you really forced me to stop being me. You made me want to live more. Even just the dumbass you that's dead, before either of us showed up here, got it? [RUFFLES ACE'S HAIR AGAIN.] You're a pain in the ass, so start taking some responsibility for it, you little shit. That doesn't mean, apologize and try to let everyone live without you. It means, we're already too fucking used to wanting you around. It's a god damn pain in the ass. And your nakama are too nice to ever say so. They'll want to give you space and shit. Let you do you.
But I'm the asshole that always gets my way. Even your little brother can't get his way with me. He wanted to fight Caesar for experimenting on kids he kidnapped from G5's territory. I agreed to fight Vergo only because he was pretending to be a marine, and that's a betrayal I couldn't let go. Sound familiar brat? [Lightly flicks Ace!] Like I said. Equals, you and me. [Snort.] The whole time we were hunting them, your brother never shut up about how I was running too fast for him to keep up because he's like half my height. [EXAGGERATING.] Wasting breath he needed for running.
If I didn't want you here Portgas, I wouldn't be here myself. It's just that simple. Stop thinking so much and do what you want.
[But Smoker's still kind of smug. He knows Portgas wants to be pursued. AND KNOWING THAT: he's going to take some damn time just to be a fucking asshole.]
[Though probably not too long because the last thing Smoker needs is an actual murder on his rap. And he's serious about the snapping thing.]
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[And Smoker gulps a little.]
[His heart LEAPS into his throat.]
[Fuck, he has to close his eyes again.]
I know.
[It's not like... well... either of them.]
[The first time Smoker held back so much just because pirate. And he didn't know what he wanted. And he couldn't really think in terms of what he wanted beyond "Arrest pirates." And for what it was worth... family, adopting kids, "love" even as = agony according to Namur for Smoker (maybe especially because!!!!), sex, dating, ALL OF IT was things Smoker very much would have said he DID NOT WANT.]
[This time he's holding back, because memories. Portgas to adjust. Smoker to stop flinching at tiny things that reminded him of Faye. Remembering hot dogs or flowers or conspiring with Gale to make her happy.]
[Smoker opens one eye on Portgas.]
You're not a rebound.
[That's... vastly important. Because Smoker wouldn't disrespect either of them, Faye, Portgas, and even SMOKER HIMSELF like that.]
[His ears flick in thought.]
And I'm not just here, because of stuff you can't remember. I'm here because of stuff you did this time. Listening. Paying attention.
Being you.
Don't forget it.
[Both eyes closed again. When does Smoker stop thinking?]
[When adrenaline overrides everything else.]
[It wears off though.]
[But while it's going...]
[It's hard to curb the memories. Short black hair through his fingers. Scents. Sounds. Fights. Separate pairs of fingers on his ears.]
[A quiet snort, and one eye open again.]
Conceding the window is bigger permission than you think. I only did it the first time, because replacing it is expensive and pointless. [Well... not "only...." He liked having Portgas around. Obviously. Like he said.]
[People get used to wanting Portgas there, and accepting whatever Ace will give them.]
[Except Smoker.]
[Who grins impishly, and before Ace can react to do anything, especially since he already tested Ace's reflexes when the pirate first arrived; pins Portgas down to the ground, holding his shoulders down with one arm in a well practiced wrestling grapple.]
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[SMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRK.]
What makes you think I'm not holding back too?
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