Captain's Log

I'm aware you're all sick of the unicorns. Deal with it, it's not as though I asked for this to happen. To whatever idiot thought it would be cute to send my ensign a pie, come forward now if you want leniency. Apparently the stories about unicorns wanting to protect innocent maidens and virgins is true. So do me a favor and if you fall into the category, stay the fuck away from me or I'll take a leaf from the leopard's book and trample you. First person to make a crack about my horn being cleft like a jitte god damn it gets the honor of being choked, thrown in my brig and force-fed the remaining pie.

That is all.